He was doing his best to keep from breaking down, but the tears filled his eyes, the emotions were raw and he was lost. “Whatever I do it’s never good enough”… was what he uttered, but the pain in his body was palpable. His name was Kyle - Wolfie to his teammates. He just turned 12. He was a gifted goalie – rated number one in the state, and he was playing competitive hockey for a AAA team engaged in a travel schedule as busy as the local Division I team. For him, the pressure was over-the-top. Not just because the competition was intense, which it was, but he was afraid to let his hero down.

In tonight’s game, he’d let in a good goal on a 2-on-1 breakaway when the save rebounded in the wrong direction. His team won, and they celebrated, but he’d lost the shut-out and he was sure to hear about it. The pressure to please his father had even hurt his game because he found himself losing focus on the ice by glancing in his dad’s direction…hoping for a smile or a “thumbs up”…or anything other than the frown he saw much of the time. But then, the glare was nothing compared to getting reamed. One time he almost threw up when his dad had screamed in his face like a drill sergeant he’d seen in the movies. Boy! He hated that.

Hockey is as intense a game as there is. Hockey ‘moms’ and ‘dads’ are known to be passionate. But this behavior is so over-the-top, it’s also risky.

Putting Things in Perspective

Kyle was referred to me by his goalie coach. He had witnessed some of his dad’s critical behavior, and, he had noticed that Kyle was losing some of his snap… seemed distracted and wasn’t playing up to his potential.

As it turns out, Kyle’s Dad came from a family where much of the pressure to perform rested on his shoulders. He played linebacker on his Varsity Football team and readily confessed to me an experience that gave me hope for this father-son duo. The story goes like this:

In an important game he’d played against a league rival, he had registered 13 unassisted tackles, 2 more assists, defended a pass in coverage, knocked down a pass on a blitz, caused an opponent to fumble and generally wreaked havoc on the opposing team’s offense. At the end of the game he remembered his dad fixating on one play….one where he had taken the fake on a reverse play and lost contain. It resulted in an 8 yard gain for their rivals. Geez, a game like that and the only thing his dad could talk about after the game was him blowing that play.

Parental behavior like this is emotionally abusive and it easily runs from generation to generation. Too many parents from the mold of this scenario consider me one of those ‘touchy feely’ types. They fail to recognize the impact of their behavior on their children – and – they tend to discount feedback from “others” who might weigh-in on “their” situation. That often includes coaches, teachers, other parents who witness the abuse….worse still….even when that other person is their spouse. Parents like this listen to no one, and as such, they often undermine their athletes’ coaches.

Priority One: Becoming Aware – Recognizing Where Passion Stops and Abuse Begins

Truth be told, this kind of situation exists more often than any of us would like to admit. And those passionate about their sport have not only seen it, but likely been a guilty party themselves once or twice. The gut check required to get this pattern under control is not for sissies. And that’s why so many continue to perpetuate the tribulations of abuse.

People who have difficulty with boundaries are at greatest risk. It’s probably been a factor elsewhere in their life, but when it involves a child learning, and growing and becoming – there is more at risk. Rather than helping the child athlete discover for themselves what coaches are trained to teach them, these parents tend to take over. They might not even communicate their thoughts with the coach – but they don’t hesitate to put forward their opinions at home. What’s worse is that parents like this often don’t have enough insight to recognize their own limitations. In extreme cases, they treat their child athlete like a possession where they alone control their child’s experiences.

If I were to tell parents like this their kids will likely drop out of sport in rebellion, or find really dysfunctional ways to get by – they’d deny it. But the fact is: When the fear of reprisal, discouragement and disappointment expressed by one or both parents - outweigh the joy of ‘team’ cohesion, sense of accomplishment and personal pride in seeing your game improve – the formula gets so far out of balance that there isn’t enough to play for. By the time an athlete stops having fun and starts to think that what they do “is never good enough” - they’re in trouble. It is incumbent on every coach, trainer, manager, league administrator and parent to be attuned to situations like this and do their best to prevent it. Why? Because they can…and…if they don’t try - they become part of the problem.
The Styles of Parenting Continuum

Imagine six parents, each with a different parenting style, sitting in the dentist's waiting room with their six children. The kids are running wild, acting out, and getting into trouble. Here's what the parents might say and do:
• The abusive parent says, “Get your ugly butt over here you stupid little creep!” (smacks, screams, tears).
• The conditional parent says, “I can't believe you would behave like this, you're embarrassing me, we're leaving. I told you we were going to go get ice cream later but I changed my mind. You won't be having ice cream for three weeks!”
• The assertive parent says, “Sarah, this behavior is out of line. Sit down right next to me. Now please. And now might be a good time to start that homework you brought.”
• The supportive parent says, “Tommy, what's up? You can't behave like that, honey. Please sit down now. Are you bored? I brought your book and some stuff to play with.”
• The indulgent parent says, “Ah, let them run, they're just kids having a good time.”
• The neglectful parent says, well, nothing. The neglectful parent doesn't notice his kid; he's too busy reading People Magazine.
Child Development – How Point-of-View and Experience Contribute

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